Spring Blues: Dealing With Change

Spring has always been a hard time of year for me. I live in the desert, where the sun is always shining, the birds perform a daily symphony, and there is year-round growth of beautiful, unique plants. Despite these facts, a heaviness takes over my life, leaving me wondering what is wrong. This leads to a negative thought loop that makes it easy to feel downhearted. Since January, I’ve also been dealing with new health issues that have worn me down physically and emotionally.

Fortunately, I came across Instagram posts that have addressed this “springtime blues” issue. The first one I saw was by Angela Schellenberg, titled “Spring Grief Hangover.” The post talked about how we keep it together during the winter holiday season. Our nervous system has been on high alert and is only now feeling safe to crash. The problem is that the world is in bloom, but our hearts are not in sync with it. In a similar vein, “What’s Your Grief” posted about the “paradox of grief in springtime.” Litsa shared how it’s easier to cocoon in the winter, when it’s cold and dark outside, but spring calls you to join the new flourishing life, even though your current circumstances may make that hard to do.

The most impactful literature that I came across was Marissa Renee Lee’s new book Waiting For Dawn: Living with Uncertainty. I listened to a clip of an interview that Marissa was doing to promote the release of her book, in which she said that when we lose the external definitions of who we are due to life circumstances beyond our control, we don’t lose the essence of who we are. The book was different than the one she thought she was going to write after she developed long covid. It was the book that I needed in my life to deal with chronic health problems and the grief that is its companion. While listening to Marissa’s book, I found helpful suggestions to deal with life.

The key takeaway is that when I accept the reality of the situation, I’m better able to deal with my life. It took me a long time to understand that acceptance does not mean liking what is happening; it means acknowledging reality. There are going to be days when I’m frustrated, angry, or sad about what I’m experiencing because I’m human. However, I know that bad days do not mean a bad life.

Living with chronic illnesses and the complexity that comes with it has been an adjustment over the last six years, as they create limitations to activities that I once enjoyed. Marissa coined the term “gray grief” for the emotions related to this. She defines gray grief as “a period of uncertainty, going deeper (defining uncertainty) into any extended period of stress or overwhelm related to the unknown.” (Waiting For Dawn)

For example, I used to be involved with the Phoenix Film Festival, photographing the event. I’ve met so many interesting people and developed friendships along the way. Unfortunately, I’ve not been able to participate for the last two years because I don’t have the stamina. There was a bittersweet feeling when I went to the festival this year because I was now an outsider. The reminder that I’m not defined by the roles I take on, but by my character and values, helped me let go of the demands I put on myself and enjoy the independent films I love.

So, how do I continue to live and thrive within the restrictions that are a part of the changes of seasons, both externally and those within? My old way was to resist change, even though life is one continuous transformation. I can still fall into that trap, which only leads to unnecessary suffering. The best way to recognize when I fall into this old habit is to talk with a trusted friend. It is through sharing that I can see the false narrative I’ve trapped myself in, recognizing that I’ve continually reinvented myself. It helps me see that when I’m no longer able to do something I’m passionate about, I replace it with a new creative outlet. Treating myself with compassion and grace has helped me be kinder to myself, just as I would be to a beloved friend.

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Check my Grief Resources page for helpful grief support.