Navigating This Season of Grief: A Personal Journey

Sometimes, I need an outsider to help me see what’s happening when I’m struggling because I’m too close to it. In this case, it was my counselor. This October, I’ve experienced more grief than “my normal.” I feel like I’m drifting through the days like a spectral, only anchored by my calendar and alarms on my phones that tell me what I need to do or where to be. There are moments during the day when I feel joy, like tutoring or going to my improv group twice a week. However, having two chronic conditions that cause severe fatigue and grief for the things I can’t participate in, as well as longing for those I love who have died. My therapist said part of it is the change of season, which makes sense. It’s a reminder that life is constantly changing.

• Grief and Chronic Illness

Having lived with a vestibular disorder for the past four years and long covid for the last two years has significantly impacted my quality of life. There were so many things that I was able to do before the onset of the vestibular disorder. I loved going on road trips on the spur of the moment to the many natural beauties of Arizona. I always had my camera with me, which allowed me to explore my creativity and observe the world more closely. Photography also opened up different experiences I hadn’t known about, including photographing musicians at clubs and participating in the Phoenix Film Festival. Although I could do some things I loved beginning in 2022 within the Phoenix area, my ability to travel beyond was nonexistent. Unfortunately, after catching covid in August 2022, which turned into long covid, reactivated my vestibular issues. The symptoms have worsened this year, making it harder to plan things with other people because I have to see how I’m doing on that day.

• Longing and Grief

Mike died in 2012, and in many ways, I feel like I have incorporated his spirit into my life. I feel him in my creativity, writing, and music. He excelled in these areas, and participating in these things keeps me connected to him. Because he suffered from substance abuse disorder, there are complicated emotions that are related to how it affected our lives and how he died. However, he was so much more than his illness and supported my pursuits. I miss his hug in the morning, discussing things with him, and not having to do everything independently, even though I’m capable of decision-making. It’s exhausting.

I still struggle with the grief I feel for my parents, who died six months and a day apart in 2022, which is entirely different than what I experienced when Mike died. He was with me every day, a constant who I could turn to. His absence was a huge presence in my life. Because I’ve lived on the other side of the country from my parents since 2001, I was used to not seeing them on a regular basis. However, I would talk with them almost daily, even if the conversations were short. I still have a few voicemails from my dad, and in November 2019, I recorded conversations while visiting them in Florida. Sometimes, it’s easy to think that they are just on the other side of the country until it hits me that I can’t talk to them, ask for advice, or repeatedly hear the stories I’ve listened to. The longing for the home that was my parents, the ones who knew me forever and would do anything for me, is overwhelming at times. It doesn’t matter their age or how well they lived; they are a missing piece of my heart forever. The grief still feels so raw.

• Walking with Grief and Longing

The changing seasons remind me that life marches on no matter what. They also remind me to live and adjust to life as it is, which can be challenging. Some days are easier than others. I often have to give myself a pep talk that I only must deal with today, and I’ve had a hundred percent success rate so far. I will always long for Mike and my parents. The place they occupy in my heart will never change. It took time, but I’ve learned to be gentle with myself during the tough times and find moments of joy and beauty in the world. It’s living with the bittersweetness of love.

Visit Grief Resources for useful links on your grief journey.