Coping Tools for Dealing with Grief and Stress: A Personal Journey

When I get a call at an unexpected time from my daughter, my brain goes to a place where something’s wrong, or someone has died. I know that this is her reaction as well because we have lived through the traumatic sudden death of my husband and her father. Last week, she called me from the emergency room because she had been sick all night and was in excruciating pain. The hospital sent her home with the incorrect diagnosis of severe gastritis, only to have her return by ambulance several hours later with a burst appendix. She is finally home, recovering from the complications of the ruptured appendix. I live on the other side of the country and felt helpless and overwhelmed as I spoke with her and received updates from my sister. I kept debating flying to be with her, but I knew she was surrounded by people who were supporting her, and she was being cared for by medical professionals. The day of her surgery coincided with the second death anniversary of my dad, so I was already in a heightened emotional state coming into July 24th. I was overwhelmed by Friday, the 26th, feeling helpless and alone. Fortunately, I have created a toolkit that has helped me walk through these challenging times.

Living Life in the Middle of the Storm

While I was waiting to hear the prognosis for my daughter on Tuesday,  I received a package for an art project from the UK called “Grief Letter,” which came in the mail that day. It was perfect timing, as it gave me a space to write a letter to my dad, where I reminisced about the good times we had and the grief of missing him, his love, and guidance. The tears as I wrote the draft were cathartic, as they had been building for a week. I remembered our last days together, which were so hard.

Although Wednesday was stressful as I waited to hear about the results of my daughter’s surgery, I kept to my usual schedule. I was called at the last minute to start a hybrid meeting I attend regularly twenty minutes before it began, about the time it would take me to get there. Even though it started late, and I had to share my story for about ten minutes, everything worked out okay. Learning to let go of perfection is helpful, a hard-fought battle that has taken me years to put into practice. Although my daughter’s surgery was scheduled for 3:00, she didn’t go in for another two hours. I had to fight my negative bias of thinking the worst with the mantra, “She’s okay until you hear differently.” Mental gymnastics is exhausting but better than going down the worst-case scenario hole. I tutored one student, which allowed me to focus on math and not the emotional storm brewing. Fortunately, her husband texted me to say that everything went well with the surgery while I was in the middle of my session. I could finally breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that she was okay. I was grateful that I didn’t realize that her appendix had burst until Thursday because my brain would have been at a higher alarm level. I even attended my online improv group that night, which I do for joy and mental health.

Acknowledging Growth

I had a book study with my sponsor for Alanon on Zoom on Thursday morning, as we live in different states for half of the year. We usually catch up before reading and discussing the book. Given all that was happening, I told her it was a miracle that I managed to do as much as I did. She said, “No, it’s not a miracle. You keep making those choices to do these things.” Everyone is different in how they deal with grief and the stresses in their life. For me, it’s always been putting one foot in front of the other while still leaving room for breaking down in tears, outbursts of anger, and exhaustion. Even in the early days of the shock of my husband’s death, I still had three kids who were also mourning I had to think of. I’m grateful that I’ve learned that everyone has their own way of grieving and that there’s not one right way of doing it as long as you don’t harm yourself or others. My style is to keep going even when it all feels too much.

Reaching Out for Support

Living alone is often more challenging when you just want someone to wrap you in their arms and reassure you. This has led me to develop the tool of reaching out to trusted friends who allow me to express my feelings without judgment or trying to fix me. They can also reflect on the strengths I’m showing, even though I’m so engulfed in my emotions that all I feel is that I’m coming apart at the seams. I also take advantage of the online grief group that I belong to as a place where I can share what’s going on and receive support and feedback from fellow grievers. I have also built relationships with people on my grief Instagram account, @the_bittersweet_journey, who I can DM. Creating a supportive community helped me build my resilience, which can only happen when you come together with understanding and compassionate people.

Exercise and Meditation

Regular exercise and meditation have also helped me to deal with mental and emotional stress. After Mike died, I bought a recumbent bike, knowing that it would help with the strain that I was under. Sometimes, I would ride it for sixty minutes at a time. Twelve years later, I’m still using it regularly. Exercising year-round inside, especially during the hot summer months, has been beneficial, especially after I had knee replacement surgery in 2023. I started practicing Yoga Nidra in 2020 when my friend gave me an online Zoom class for my birthday. The instructor allowed us to pick the one that resonated the best and emailed a copy. I still use it or choose one from YouTube. I usually listen to it when I lie down to take a nap. It helps me to slow down my breathing and mind.

Expressing My Emotions in Writing

Writing has become another excellent outlet. Sometimes, I just write with pen and paper to release my frustration, anger, and sadness, and I don’t want computer editing for grammar. This is just a place to vomit out the messiness stuck inside my mind. My blog is where I can share my experiences and how I’ve thoughtfully walked through them. Usually, when I sit down to write, it comes very quickly because they are things that I’ve already been thinking about. A tool I recently discovered with Microsoft 365 is that I can have what I’ve written read back to me, which has been helpful. When I reread what I’ve written, I fill in what I think should be there. However, when I listened to my writing, I was better able to edit it because I heard the missing pieces.

Creativity and Healing

Creativity has been a significant force of healing in my life. Photography, especially in the early days of my grief, helped me stay in the present moment and see the beauty in the world since I primarily focused on nature. This medium would also open more avenues in my life as I became involved in photographing music gigs at local venues and the Phoenix Film Festival. It also allowed me to meet new people and find joy in places I didn’t know existed. I also participated in a storytelling event at Crescent Ballroom in Phoenix, Arizona. I was used to taking photos of bands on the side stage instead of sharing my story on stage of how my life had come full circle with music and photography as it related to my husband. In the past year, I took up art again, something I had tried in my early 20s, after being inspired by an Instagram artist doing intuitive art. I also began participating in an online improv Zoom group that has brought me joy. I”‘ve committed to going to the sessions twice a week. It’s great to have an outlet to leave my struggles and frustrations for a while, play with others, and laugh.

I have no control over outside circumstances, such as my daughter getting sick or other difficult times that are a part of life. However, finding tools that help me cope has made a difference in my ability to walk through them. I hope some ways I have found to cope are helpful on your journey. I’d love to hear in the comments what tools you’ve used in your life that have helped you.

Please check out my Resource Page for more helpful links.