Full Circle

Music, Photography, and Writing

Death forever split my life into two parts. There’s the person I was before my husband Mike died and who I would become after. Because Mike’s death was sudden and unexpected, it took a long time to feel like my feet were on solid ground again. The grief was a heavy cloak that weighed me down. Little did I know that the things that Mike brought to my life would be the things that would spark joy in it and keep me connected to him.

Music

I met my husband Mike at Syracuse University when I transferred there in 1982. I lived off-campus and went to the Newman Center between classes, the university organization for Catholics. The building had a church, classrooms, a kitchen, and a large lounge for events or relaxing. Mike had already finished grad school but was very involved with the organization. One night in the lounge, they had a coffee house, and Mike played songs he had written on his acoustic guitar. One of the songs he sang resonated with me and my experiences. It was like he was speaking to me. I didn’t know Mike, but I would tell him how much I liked his music and that song in particular when I saw him around the Newman Center. We began to date not long after.

Photography

We both enjoyed music, and Mike introduced me to different genres I hadn’t listened to before meeting him. Mike was also a writer and photographer. He began to teach me how to take photos with his Cannon and how to use different lenses, what settings to use, and the type of film to buy. He was so patient and kind. I loved photography and began taking many pictures, primarily of nature. The great thing about photography is that there is always something new to learn. The camera came with us when we traveled. Once we had kids, my photography focused on documenting their growth, usually with disposable cameras.

Writing

Mike used to write poetry, fiction, and articles for the Syracuse University sports program and North Country This Week. His writing for the last publication reflected on what was going on in our lives as our family grew. He had one book published, Syracuse University Football: A Centennial Celebration. We were living in Canton, NY, then, and I would travel to Syracuse to research the book while Mike worked full-time. Later, when the kids were young, I would try writing a book based on the X-Files. Mike was supportive and encouraging of my writing. I interviewed a medical examiner in DC, did research on the computer, and went to a writing workshop in Vermont. Although it never was published, it was a great experience.

Continuing Bonds

In the wake of Mike’s death, I was floundering. My youngest was still at home, and I was trying to support him and my daughters, who were on their own. Although I didn’t know how I was going to live through this soul-crushing grief, I knew I had to do some things that would help me. My two big purchases were an exercise bike for the stress and a digital camera so that I could return to photography. When I started taking photos again, I would use it primarily to capture the beauty of the Desert Botanical Garden or other natural, peaceful places. It was a mindful activity where I could focus on what I was photographing, temporarily pushing grief aside. It slowed me down and made me see the world different.

My son, who had been playing guitar since elementary school, began to play at open mics. Since most opportunities were at bars and he was 18, I would go with him while he played. I still remember the first time he played at Joe’s Grotto. I was so impressed at his calm confidence as he played his three songs, the beginning of many such nights. I began to bring my camera and photographed him over the next couple of years as he went from open mics to playing with his band. I’d been to concerts with Mike over the years, but I found peace listening to my son play in these smaller venues where there is a greater connection between musicians and fans. Music also expanded my world as I began to go out more often and drive further to shows around Phoenix.

Some young women photographers graciously took me under their wing, teaching me how to photograph in low light. They encouraged me to shoot in a manual, raw mode to have more control of the photos when I processed them. At first, I just went to my son play his music and would leave when the other band started. Soon, I was listening to the other bands playing the same gig. I would photograph them, too. Eventually, I went out independently to hear and photograph bands I liked.

I didn’t think that I would start writing again, but I was encouraged by a friend who thought I should share my experiences. It has been cathartic to write about the road I’ve traveled since Mike’s death. It also has helped me as I’ve walked through my parents’ death six months apart in 2022. Besides helping others, it lets me go back and see where I’ve been and how I’m doing now.

One night, while driving home from a show, it hit me that my life had come full circle. Music and photography are the legacies that Mike left to me. Music brought us together, and photography helped me to create and heal. I would even be a part of a local Storyteller event, where I would share about this continuing bond with Mike. It was strange to find myself on the same stage where I photographed many bands. Even my writing on my blog is similar to Mike’s newspaper writing. It’s just I’m sharing how my life is without him.

I’ve been able to incorporate Mike’s life into mine because of the grief work that I did in the first years after his death. Being able to express myself creatively with photography and writing allows me to connect with Mike and process the world without his physical presence. Acoustic singer-songwriters hold a special place in my soul when I’m at a show because that is what first captured my heart when I saw Mike. Music is the thread that forever keeps our lives entwined.