Holiday Grief Amnesia–The body and mind forgetting how painful the holidays are until they are upon you.
The first Christmas after Mike died was overwhelming as I could not escape the expectation of happiness that the holidays are supposed to bring. Every time I went to the store, Christmas carols would play, and it would be decked out with all kinds of decorations. The cheeriness did not match the turmoil in my heart. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. The last thing I wanted was someone wishing me a Merry Christmas. Life was not the same, and traditions like Christmas Eve were changing: now it meant going out to dinner instead of a home-cooked meal.
As the years went on, the grief was a little softer but never gone as the day drew nearer. With the death of my parents in 2022, a different type of grief hit. My parents were the only people to know me from the beginning, and losing them left me feeling adrift. They were a grounding force in my life. Childhood memories of Christmas past would flood through my mind. I also missed the phone calls and Christmas cards, which Dad would always put a check in and tell me to do something nice for myself. It wasn’t the money I missed, but how thoughtful my dad was as he took charge of the cards in my parents’ later years.
How Holiday Grief Affects Me
Holiday grief changes every year, which is why I think there’s an amnesia quality to it. You know you are coming down with a cold by the symptoms that play out in an orderly fashion. Not so with grief. That’s why it takes me by surprise. However, this was the first year that I had a name for it.
Fatigue is one of the biggest culprits. Sometimes, it’s the result of not sleeping well. Often, it is the push-pull feeling that I’m battling. I get lost in the day of the week it is, trying to block out the 25th. Time both drags in anticipation and races toward the finish line. Even with a good night’s sleep and a nap, I’m exhausted all the time.
Although people associate grief with tears, there’s no predictable pattern to that either. Some years are weepier than others. The triggers may have to do with the holiday or something that has happened in the world. It can even be a film or TV show. I don’t watch many Christmas films anymore because they are so intertwined with memories of Mike or my parents.
What Helps Me During the Holidays
Being aware of what I’m experiencing and giving it a name has been especially helpful. I find things that bring me joy and spend time doing that. This year it has been improv and watercolor painting. I have made it a point not to push myself, to watch and listen to things I enjoy, to exercise, and to have no expectations for Christmas. Experience has taught me that the run-up to the holiday is always worse than the day itself, followed by the relief of having made it through on December 26th.
Please feel free to share what helps you get through the holidays.
For more resources, visit Grief Resources.
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