Coping with Depression: Tools and Insights for Recovery

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Depression is an unwelcome visitor that comes unbidden when you least expect it. This past February through June, my depression, which had been under control for years, came back with a vengeance. It took me time to recognize it, thinking it was related to other chronic conditions that I suffer from. I finally contacted my psychiatric nurse practitioner, asking her to check the blood levels of a medication that I was on. It was below the proper therapeutic level, thus completely ineffective. This sent me on a trial of different medications with the hope of feeling like myself again.

Depression and anxiety have been companions for as long as I can remember. Though my parents found counseling for me, mental illness still carried a stigma with it. There were genetic components on both sides of my family tree, but it was not discussed. No one would choose to suffer from mental health issues, nor do they do it for attention.

With my first bout of postpartum depression, I was told to take vitamins, not to have any more children, and that it couldn’t be worse than having a colicky baby. I had twins, one of whom was colicky and hypersensitive. It wasn’t until after my second pregnancy with postpartum depression that I would get the proper medication that would allow me to effectively use the counseling tools I’d learned, allowing me to function better and enjoy my children more.

Through the years, I have had to adjust my medications, which was always hard, as my system is sensitive to the side effects they produce. Whatever the recommended dose was, I’d ask to start with half of it. I had to advocate for myself when doctors would tell me that I shouldn’t have a particular issue, I’m fortunate to now have a practitioner who is a great listener and trusts me when I tell her how my body reacts to a specific medication.

Walking Through Dark Days

I had to use all the tools I had developed over the years to help me get through this challenging time. I continued going to counseling, which helped, as my therapist was able to see the bigger picture better than I was, and to remind me of patterns that I easily forget. I worked diligently with my psychiatric nurse practitioner to find medicine that would work for me.

I also listened to some audiobooks, Feeling Great by Dr. David D. Burns, Unbroken: The Trauma Response is Never Wrong, and The Joy Reset, both by Mary Catherine McDonald, PhD, which provided strategies that were both helpful and easy to put into practice. I also purchased the physical copies because there were so many great exercises. Doing the practices these books suggested was a vital part of the healing. I also worked on taking one day at a time and using imagery of times when I felt good as a reminder that this was a temporary problem.

Starting a gratitude journal again was another helpful means of remembering the many gifts that I had. Even though I wasn’t necessarily feeling grateful, it was a way to build another muscle to deal with the depression.

It’s easy when you’re depressed to want to shut yourself away from the world. Isolation and doing nothing only intensified feelings of hopelessness. It was then that I had to push myself to get out of the house, which was especially challenging on days when I was also dealing with the side effects of a new medication. I would remind myself that I didn’t have to feel good to act. Simple things like going to the store, library, or attending a Zoom group took a lot of effort, but they ended up being restorative in the long term. It also meant reaching out to friends and being honest about how I was doing.

Return of Joy

Just as the depression gradually overshadowed my life, so did the return of joy. I was finally able to find something that helped me get a good night’s sleep, an essential part of feeling mentally and physically well. I consciously noted moments when I felt good during the day, such as enjoying reading and watching TV again, and feeling engaged in conversations. Exercise, which I maintained throughout, helped release endorphins into my system.

A part of me was concerned that it wouldn’t last. I used Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) tools from Dr. Burns’ book to challenge those thoughts. I also would savor the instances where I would feel delight in what I was doing, what Dr. McDonald refers to as “tiny little joys.” This helped me build my resilience against negative thinking.

I don’t believe that these life challenges are tests and that if you don’t create meaning, there’s something wrong with you. Most of the difficult experiences that I’ve lived through, whether grief, depression, or other life-changing events, have made me more compassionate and empathetic. Only when I was at my darkest moments and got to the other side did I have a deeper understanding of other people’s life experiences. I knew I couldn’t fix them, but could be present and walk with them on their journey.