Reflection on Finding Meaning in a Gratitude Challenge

Although I had planned to share my November gratitude challenge earlier, now seems to be a fitting moment as I close out 2024. I started the challenge on November 3rd and disciplined myself to post something daily, regardless of how I felt. Instead of focusing on what might have happened on a particular day, though I occasionally would, what came up were general themes. In doing this exercise, I found how much was related to my husband Mike, who died in 2012, and how much of his life continues to be intertwined with who I am today.

Relationships

Family, friends, and people I’ve met in online groups appeared frequently in my daily gratitude list. Family relationships have changed over time, especially with Mike’s and my parents’ deaths. Some have grown closer, while others have drifted away. That secondary loss is painful. I have learned I can still hold people with love in my heart, even if our relationship is broken. They have contributed to the person I am today, and I am grateful for that.

Friendships sustain me through the ups and downs of life. Whether I’ve known them for decades or new to my life, I know they will be there for me, a safe place to laugh, vent, and cry. Friends are my found family, and I choose to share my life with them. I’ve also built communities of people online who share a special place in my heart: my grief community, improv group, creatives, and people in indie films. I appreciate that my circle can be more significant by having a larger world to reach.

Creativity

Creativity is another area of my life that continues to show up in my gratitude. There were ones that were related to Mike, such as music, poetry, and photography. I have always loved music. It touches my soul more profoundly and brings back memories of different moments in my life. It can release all the pent-up emotions, allowing me to have a good cry. My end-of-the-year Spotify list reflected the songs that I had turned to. Mike used to write poetry for me early in our relationship, and it found its way into my life this year, first, through poets on Instagram whose words reflected my inner voice. Poetry is meant to be heard; the inflection of the poet’s words means so much more when they’re read aloud. It also inspired me to begin to write my own poems. Due to visual vertigo, my photography has been limited this year. I still love photography because it helped me slow down and deeply observe the world. Mike taught me about photography, so it keeps me connected to him.

Curiosity

Curiosity led me to try something that I never thought I would do. I had begun watching Mischief Movie Night In by Mischief Theatre in the spring. They did hysterical long-form improv. I had seen improv games over the years, but this was a whole different level. The more I watched, the more curious I became about trying it. I found an improv group, Community Improv LA, through Meet-Up that was online from Los Angeles. Although I was a little nervous, I figured the worst thing that would happen was that I would feel embarrassed or not like it. I’ve been through worse than that, so I tried it. Although I had butterflies the first time, I absolutely loved it. The host and group were welcoming, and I’ve been doing it twice a week since July. No matter how I feel physically, the moment I start the session, everything else falls away, and I’m living in the moment and getting to be someone else for a while.

Art

Last year, I was introduced to intuitive art on Instagram. What I loved the most about this type of art was it freed me from perfectionism. Lina Forrester’s first instruction was to make something aesthetically pleasing, then scribble over it. The freedom to create without worry about outcome allowed me to experiment with all types of mediums and designs. My dining room table has the majority of my supplies, though I keep paper and other drawing materials next to where I sit, so I can draw anytime.

Kindness and Love

Kindness and love are two things I’m most grateful for and never take for granted. I became especially attuned to acts of kindness after Mike died. It still can bring me to my knees in tears. I recognize that it’s a conscious choice that someone makes to behave this way, which is why it matters so much. The world has so much ugliness, but I will always believe that kindness is greater. It’s the simple act of smiling or conversing with a stranger, someone helping me out, or doing the unexpected. When I think about love, I think of it in terms of the Greek words “philia,” the love related to friendship, and “agape,” unconditional love extended to humanity. Since Mike’s death, I have found that my heart has split open and is both receptive to the love from others and more compassionate toward people in general. I tell people that I love them more easily. Like kindness, love can soothe me when I feel overwhelmed with life.

Health

This year, I saw the play and read the book The Little Big Things by Henry Fraser. It’s the story of a traumatic accident that left him paralyzed from the shoulders down and his journey to where he is now. I appreciated everything that worked well in my body as I read it. It is astonishing that my heart beats, and I can breathe without thinking about it. When I get discouraged by the chronic conditions that I have, I take a step back and think about what is working. It gave me immense gratitude for how amazing my body is and how it has learned to adapt to my situation.

Blessings
As I continued my gratitude journey, I looked at how fortunate I was for the abundance I had been blessed with. I have a home that I have been renting for thirteen years with fantastic landlords and stability. I love my work as a tutor, helping kids improve in school and with their confidence. I can pay my bills and treat myself to opportunities that bring joy. I even embrace this messy life with all its trials and tribulations.

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What I thought would be a simple gratitude exercise turned out to be an opportunity to examine my life. It brought up so many wonderful memories of Mike that I had forgotten, such as when we went to the theater, concerts, and traveled. Although I can’t have Mike or my parents back in their physical form, they are always with me. Examining all the people who enriched my life and how I stretched myself creatively helped me see how I had grown, especially over the last year. It gave me hope that I can still find pleasure in the world, even with adversity.