Illness and Grief

Last night, I looked at the Phoenix Film Festival website, an organization for which I’ve been a volunteer photographer since 2016. It is one of my favorite yearly events. It allows me to connect with fellow volunteers, meet people who make independent films, see interesting films that aren’t available in other places, and learn about movie-making. I’ve formed beautiful friendships because of my involvement. As I looked at the photos on the website, I recognized so many I had taken over the years, especially last year. What was heartbreaking is that I’m not going to be able to take photos this year because of two chronic conditions that flared up in January and haven’t subsided. What was most upsetting was I couldn’t even recognize the person I was last year who captured all those moments.

I was initially diagnosed with vestibular neuritis on May 27, 2020. The whole world was shut down then, so I didn’t feel I was missing anything. It took nine months for the worst of the symptoms to subside, thanks to the help of my physical therapist, who specialized in vestibular disorders. Although I still had some restrictions, I was able to return to doing photography, something that I thought was over. I didn’t travel outside of Phoenix because I didn’t know if an elevation change would cause a vestibular episode. Finally, at the beginning of June 2022, my friend drove me up to Flagstaff for a day trip. We had a great time, and there were no health problems. It was a fortuitous trip as I would end up flying to Syracuse, New York, to help take care of my dad, whose health was failing, two days later. I was able to provide some relief to my sister, who was the primary caretaker while she was finishing up the year teaching full-time. I briefly flew back to Phoenix, only to return a few weeks later to be with Dad for the end of his life and funeral.

A month later, in August 2022, I came down with Covid and was very sick for a week despite taking all the precautions. I’m sure that the stress and grief of having my parents die six months apart were contributing factors. Not long after I recovered, the vestibular symptoms returned. I ended up going back for physical therapy to help reduce the symptoms. Not long after, long covid symptoms began to set in. Once again, I was making the rounds to the cardiologist, ENT, and neurologist. I could do things around the valley but was easily fatigued. I attended the Phoenix Film Festival, the first one that was fully back to normal since the beginning of the pandemic. It was so much fun to capture the candid moments of opening night with all the food vendors and people gathering for the celebration. I paced myself to attend some films, photograph filmmakers’ panels, and attend evening events. I would have to go home and rest to relieve my fatigue. I was able to participate in both weekends of the festival. There is also the work of editing all the photos and submitting them to the festival to be used for the website and publicity.

When we think about grief, we often associate it with death, but there are so many other griefs, including the loss of health and the limitations that it brings. Because the symptoms of my current condition started in January, I was able to give the people I work with a heads-up that I might not be able to do the photography so that they could make a contingency plan. As the weeks passed and I felt worse, I had to accept that I could not do the photography this year. Although I plan to try to make it to some of the events, I can’t even think beyond today.

I grieve the person I was last year who was able to participate in this event, who could spontaneously go to the Desert Botanical Garden, visit downtown, attend live music events, and socialize. I also have to remind myself that this is how I’ve felt since January, which doesn’t mean this will continue forever. It’s hard when you’re sick every day to see that there will be a day when you won’t feel this way. For now, I try to find glimmers of joy in the day to help offset the stress of these chronic conditions.