Holiday Reflection, 2023

This will be the twelfth Christmas since Mike died and the second without my parents. This is the first Christmas I’m the only living creature in my home since my cat, Bella, died in October. Since December 8^th, my holiday grief has kicked into high gear. I have begun to cycle between joy and tears. There wasn’t anything that I could name that had set it off. It has felt harder this year, but I think I have grief amnesia, forgetting how my grief was the year before. Also, there are changes every year that affect how the holidays feel.

“I will never forget our first Christmas. The Friday before Christmas, I came down with food poisoning and was deathly ill. Mike had never seen anyone so sick. He wanted to take me to the hospital, but I told him to just leave me on the floor in the bathroom. Growing up in a family of seven, stomach bugs were not uncommon. However, Mike was an only child. When the worst of it had subsided, Mike took such good care of me. Christmas was on a Tuesday that year, and I had a couple days to recover. When we went to his parents’ house on Christmas day, I remember telling his mom that Mike would have been a great nurse. She said,””He would have been a great doctor!” I definitely appreciated his compassionate care.”I will never forget our first Christmas. The Friday before Christmas, I came down with food poisoning and was deathly ill. Mike had never seen anyone so sick. He wanted to take me to the hospital, but I told him to just leave me on the floor in the bathroom. Growing up in a family of seven, stomach bugs were not uncommon. However, Mike was an only child. When the worst of it had subsided, Mike took such good care of me. Christmas was on a Tuesday that year, and I had a couple days to recover. When we went to his parents’ house on Christmas day, I remember telling his mom that Mike would have been a great nurse. She said, “He would have been a great doctor!” I definitely appreciated his compassionate care.

Each Christmas since Mike died has looked different. The kids and I went to PF Chang’s for Christmas Eve dinner the first year after his death, creating a new tradition. We’d always have our big family meal on Christmas Eve and relax with leftovers the following day. I usually made homemade cinnamon rolls, but I can’t remember if I did that first Christmas. That year was a blur. We continued to eat out for the next several years until one of my friends invited us to her home for dinner with family and friends. This is a tradition that I now continue on my own.

Because I live on the opposite side of the country from where my parents did, we would talk on the phone, something we did every day. My dad would always send me money and tell me to do something nice for myself. I don’t miss the money, but I miss not having parents to remember me. Growing up, Christmas was always a big deal. We always had family over to our house. My dad always looked tired in photos from working hard and staying up late putting the presents together. Even after having five children in five and a half years, Mom looked like she walked out of a magazine, with her hair done up and makeup on.

This year, I reflected on how my parents’ Christmases changed as they aged and all of their kids had lives of their own. Except for the last two years of their lives, they spent Christmas in Florida once they retired. They would still decorate, but it was lower key. We visited a couple of times when the kids were young. Once, we took the auto train from Virginia to Florida after driving from Northern New York. We then drove to North Fort Myers. My siblings and their kids would continue to go for Christmas. One year, we had sent a three-foot pine tree in a container. My parents transplanted it into their yard. It ended up growing very tall, and my mom would also comment on it when I visited.

My decorations have changed as well over the years. When my son was still at home, he liked to decorate. Once on my own, I got rid of the artificial tree and started getting small live plants that I could decorate simply. I had been getting a rosemary bush shaped like a Christmas tree, but Costco didn’t carry it this year. Instead, I bought two different planters with small pine trees in them, along with greenery. I also bought new lights and a Christmas cactus because the one I had for the last two years died after my knee surgery. I have decorated the tree with a few meaningful ornaments. Everything is across from where I sit in the living room so that I can enjoy it.

It’s the missing and longing for the people I love who are no longer with me that creates the grief that comes in waves. The presents I miss are their presence. What is left behind is a heart full of love for what they gave me while they were alive, and I continue to look to share that love with others in my life.