Grief Support

One of the few good things that came out of the pandemic is the availability to find grief support no matter where you live, thanks to Zoom and other technology. Though being with other people is nice, it’s not always feasible. I attended three webinars on grief this week, two related to Mother’s Day.

The first was David Kessler’s Mother’s Day webinar anticipating the upcoming holiday. This will be my second Mother’s Day since my mom died, and I wanted to get extra support. One of David’s terms regarding the death of an older parent was disenfranchised grief. His definition was this type of grief is often judged or lessened because this is a normal part of life. Bromides are used that they had a long life, they wouldn’t want you to be sad, you were lucky to have had them for such a long time, etc. It doesn’t lessen the pain of no longer having that parent in your life because they can be true. Even within the same family, the grief will look different because everyone has a different relationship with the deceased person.

There were several takeaways that I found helpful. One is that we will grieve for the person as long as they are dead. My experience with grief is that it changes over time as the initial shock wears off, though the amount of time it takes to adjust differs for each death I’ve experienced. Another point he made was that when our mother dies, we lose our caretaker and cheerleader. Even though I’m an adult with grown children, I miss my mom telling me how proud she was of me, of hearing her sing and laugh. Of course, not all mother-child relationships are close, and we had our rough patches too, but she was the one who knew me from the beginning. The last thing that I found helpful was that it was up to me how I chose to spend Mother’s Day. There’s a freedom that comes from knowing that there is not one right way to commemorate a holiday.

The second one I attended was Wendy Kessler’s free monthly Wednesday workshop Reaffirming Beliefs, Values, and Goals Affected by Grief. Each month the theme is different, exploring different areas of grief. One of Wendy’s points is that grief is both universal and unique. We all experience grief as part of being human. Not only death loss but the grief that comes from estranged relationships, the end of a job, leaving a familiar area, and the death of the dream of the life we thought we would have, to name just a few. She also talked about the different styles of grief: heart, head, blended, and conflicted. There is no right way to grieve, but forcing someone to grieve in a manner that is not theirs is disrespectful and can cause more harm. I’m more of a blended griever. I lead with my heart, feeling all the emotions from the amputation- the permanent loss of someone you love. At the same time, I’m also looking for people, books, and other resources that help me understand this experience and have lived through the death of a loved one. Especially after my husband’s death, I needed to know I would survive this pain.

My final online gathering was A Worldwide Day of Remembrance for Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman, author of Motherless Daughters, with the cohost Claire Bidwell Smith, author of Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief. This event was attended by 420 women from around the world. It was a moving experience to have both women share their experience of living with their mother’s deaths. First, Hope read a letter to motherless daughters as she has done since starting this organization. Next, Claire shared a toast to all our mothers. Then, we did the circle of remembrance, broken up into three groups based on your age when your mother died, where you would unmute yourself, say your name followed by the daughter of, and say your mother’s name. Hearing so many daughters sharing their mother’s name was poignant.

In a world that doesn’t honor grief as part of the human experience, it is always comforting to be in a safe space where you can be with others traveling on the same journey. The sorrow accompanying death can be isolating until y find a community that validates your feelings.

I’ve included links that might be helpful to the resources that I shared in the post.

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https://www.youtube.com/@davidkesslerongrief

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https://www.youtube.com/@griefguideconsulting/featured

Home

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Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief: A Revolutionary Approach to Understanding and Healing the Impact of Loss Hardcover – September 25, 2018
by Claire Bidwell Smith (Author)

https://a.co/d/5yKOob1 link

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