Transitions

I’ve never liked change. But, unfortunately, life is about constant change: birth, growing up, working, relationships, health, and death. The first and last are the bookmarks of life. It’s the in-between that is messy and unpredictable. I wish I could hold onto moments of joy forever, while I’d rather forget the most painful times. All of them caused me to adjust to the reality of life, sometimes kicking and screaming in my head. Once again, I wonder what I want to do with my life.

This past year I’ve experienced many changes: the death of mom and dad, catching covid, and living with the long-term effects of the infection that have impeded my ability to do certain things, and changes in relationships. It’s also the end of the school year, and though my kids are adults, I always find this a hard time of year. In addition, I’m a tutor, so this is also a time of transition in my work schedule. As a result, there’s a restlessness of what’s next.

I love tutoring and working with my students. It’s a way that I continue to learn and grow. If you went through my Google search, most topics would relate to a math concept or something I’ve read with a student. I always like to give them a deeper understanding of what we’ve read or find photos related to the subject. That innate curiosity is part of what continues to drive me now in my search for growth and meaning.

One of my passions has been photography. I’ve done it for pleasure and professionally. It has led me into worlds I would have never imagined, meeting musicians and creative people in the independent film industry. I’ve made friends through these avenues I would have never imagined when I picked up photography after my husband’s death eleven years ago. It has also given me a greater appreciation for the natural world, where I find deep serenity. Photography helps me look deeper into the beauty and fragility of all life.

Another area that I’ve thought of exploring is becoming a grief coach. Living through my experiences of my husband’s and my parents’ deaths has changed how I see the world. It has also given me experiences I would have preferred to live without, but these parts of life are not optional. Over the years, I’ve continued reading about grief, using support groups, and attending online webinars. It not only helped validate my journey, but it helped me to know that I’m not alone. Grief can be very isolating, and our society does not embrace it as part of the human experience as some cultures do. When I meet someone who is grieving, I feel a connection that I might not have with someone else. It’s that raw vulnerability that mirrors my journey.

So, as I stand at the precipice of the last third of my life (something that I’ve heard Jane Fonda talk about), I’m looking for what will give me deeper meaning and purpose.