Assumptive Grief

Last week, I attended a virtual seminar by Wendy Kessler, MSW, FT, called “Relinquishing Our Assumptive Grief.” This was the first time that I had heard that term, but it is what I’ve lived through with each death that I’ve experienced, especially when my husband died. Wendy defines it as “the core beliefs that ground, secure, stabilize and orient us.” When a death occurs, all these things we held as certainties are upended, and we no longer feel safe in the world. I also appreciated that Wendy included non-death losses as well. Having lived through the pandemic, we’ve all experienced losses of varying kinds.

One of my favorite musicals is “Into the Woods,” where the first act is happily ever after, and the second act is what happens after. We grow up with these stories and believe that the story of how our life will unfold will actually happen. Then the after happens, and suddenly we are faced with the reality that it was just a story. My life will always be two acts: before and after Mike died. Although there were many ups and downs living with someone with an addictive disorder, there’s always that hope that they will get better. Once Mike died, the core beliefs of what life was supposed to be changed entirely.

Along with the immense pain and grief is the anxiety that I experienced. The world was so uncertain, leaving me feeling shaky and fearful that I could lose everything. I checked my finances constantly to make sure the money hadn’t vanished. I signed up for a service that monitored my accounts in case of fraud or hacking. The anxiety that accompanies death and secondary losses caused me to end up in the emergency room three months after Mike’s death, fearing that I was having a heart attack. I wasn’t, but when you are the only parent left, you don’t want your kids to experience another death.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the ambiguities of life. Death is a part of life, and there is no promise that things will work out how I want them to. Did that make life any more manageable when I would have to deal with my own health issues or the death of my mom and dad? Not really. I felt all those deep emotions of grief and anxiety as I once again had to learn to navigate a world where I would have to live without the security of my parents or where I would have to adjust how I was able to still participate in the things that I liked to do. The main difference was that having survived Mike’s death and having found ways to grow and grieve, I knew that though it would be difficult, I would be able to withstand these hard times to

For more information about Wendy Kessler, MSW, FT, visit https://griefguideconsulting.com/ for her services and sign up for the free virtual grief workshop on the first Wednesday of the month.