Continuing Bonds

One of the most painful things about death is the loss of the physical presence of your loved one. Gone are the phone calls, visits home, and shared memories. These connections gave you a sense of your place in the world and a feeling of being grounded. But, without these beloved people, how do you move forward knowing they will always live in your heart?

In my online community that I joined after my mom and dad died, https://whats-your-grief-community.circle.so/home, they discussed creating continuing bonds with your person after they died. In the beginning, when the grief is extremely raw, all you feel is anxiety, unmoored, and sadness. Then, as the initial shock recedes, you want to stay connected to your person. Here are some ways I’ve found to create these continuing bonds.

Music and photography were two passions that Mike and I shared. After his death, I began to go to clubs to watch my son play. Soon, I was photographing his band along with other bands. Through the support of other female photographers, I began to take more chances with shooting in a manual mode and continued to learn how to shoot in low light. Mike and I also enjoyed nature, and photographing gardens and hiking trails helped me feel connected to him.

My mom is first generation American, with her parents coming from Sicily. I always felt close to my mom’s family, especially my Sicilian grandmother. Lately, I’ve been reading books about Italy, watching Italian television and films, and listening to audiobooks teaching Italian and Sicilian languages. This makes me feel closer to my mom and my Italian heritage. For example, mom would make artichokes stuffed with bread and parmesan cheese, a family favorite. The other day I was reading That Summer in Sicily, A Love Story by Marlena de Blasi, and she talked about how the artichokes were stuffed with mint. I would have loved to tell my mom about that. I dream someday of visiting Italy and Sicily, where I still have relatives.

My dad should have been a reporter because he always wanted to be the first with the news. I miss being able to call him to share something I’ve heard on the news. However, he is the first person I think of, and I know he would be interested. I also started following an Instagram account that covers Syracuse, New York. My dad spent his whole life there, except for winters spent in Florida after mom and dad retired. So I like seeing stories about familiar places that would have interested him. He loved telling stories about growing up there.

Knowing that I can’t have them physically anymore will always be painful. However, finding a way to keep them connected in my life makes a difference.