Grief Storm

The life of a griever-aloneness, triggers, tears, exhaustion, and heartbreak. A never-ending cycle, especially when the shock wears off and the reality sets in. It is more challenging that you are going along, thinking you’ve got this, only to be hit by a tsunami of grief. It’s like having a band-aid being ripped off a wound repeatedly. The scar is still raw and seeping.

I made it through the holidays and felt relief knowing I could return to “normal life.” No more Christmas songs and decorations to deal with wherever I went. I’m not a Scrooge, but when you are grieving, all this cheer serves as a reminder of what is gone from your life. But then, I had to deal with the reality of death once more.

Until Mike died, we never required a financial advisor. I handled paying the bills and finances. However, I had to deal with things I hadn’t had to before, like life insurance and Mike’s retirement. I was fortunate to find a woman to work with who is both knowledgeable and compassionate. In the early days, I would zone out within ten minutes as my brain was completely jumbled. With time and her assistance, I could make decisions for my long-term financial health. It took time to not look at the investments daily because I was fearful that they would all disappear, just like Mike suddenly was gone from my life. Over time, this fear dissipated.

Once again, I was at my financial advisor’s office this week to discuss investing what my parents had left me. The woman who now runs the office is just as good as my first advisor and helpful in explaining my options. With the economy what it is and my age, I’m more conservative in my financial planning. I did okay while I was at the office, and she answered all my questions. The only thing left to do was to e-sign documents for the changes. It wasn’t until the documents came through that the reality hit that I was only doing this because my parents were dead, and the only reason I had a financial advisor was that Mike was dead. Reality once again smacked me in the face, and the tears flowed. I want my parents and husband, not money! But that’s not an option.

And so it goes, this merry-go-round of grief. Yet, these gifts of financial security left to me as I make my way through the world will always leave me both grateful and sad for those I’m missing.