Authentic Self

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time worrying about what other people thought of me and trying to please everybody. Grief has changed what is essential in my life, especially the older I get. What is left behind is my raw, authentic self.

The year 2022 was painful, as I had to say goodbye to my parents, whose deaths occurred six months apart. I had already endured the searing pain of my husband’s death ten years earlier, which took me years to come to terms with. Mike has become a part of my DNA, and the grief has softened with time, though it will always be a companion. Experience with grief doesn’t prepare you for the death of the next person you love. Each relationship is unique, and with that comes a different pain.

For the first time in my life, I feel more in tune with my true self. Grief is exhausting, and I have very little energy to waste trying to please people. I’m in a group where I share my experiences, but mostly I listen. When I do share, I feel the pain in my chest, tears brimming at the back of my eyes, and tightness in my throat. I share where I am in my life, hoping it will help someone else, just like listening to someone else’s experience has made a difference for me. The change in sharing now is that I do it because it helps me heal.

I’m also learning to listen to my body. My mom used to say that I was always burning the candle at both ends until I burned myself out, which was true. Now, I’m learning my limitations. I pay a steep price of exhaustion and irritability when I don’t. I may even need a day to do nothing to recover. Part of the fatigue is long covid on top of grief.

I would rather have learned these lessons without having to experience the pain that death leaves in its wake. But, unfortunately, death is part of living, and grief is part of loving.