Christmas Reflections

The sun streams through the windows this Christmas morning as the tears flow down my cheeks. Photos of people celebrating with their families, opening presents, and feeling joyful. This year I feel haunted by the Christmas past and longing for those I love.

The reality is that life is continuously changing. The Christmases of my childhood were magical when I woke up in the morning with my brother and sisters to find the tree overflowing with toys Santa had left and stockings filled with treats. However, I didn’t notice how exhausted my parents were from staying up late to make our Christmas mornings memorable. Although it was extra work for my mom, Christmas dinner was always at our house. It was nice not having to leave home so we could enjoy our toys. As we outgrew Santa one by one, we still enjoyed having Christmas celebrations and midnight mass.

When I married Mike, we started our own traditions, enjoying decorating our tree and watching our favorite holiday films. We split Christmas Eve and day between my parents and Mike’s parents, as well as having time to ourselves on Christmas morning. Once our children were born, the magic of Christmas returned, and we could see the joy of them discovering the magic that Christmas brings. Watching them discover their gifts under the tree and spend the day playing was fun. We tried to travel the three hours to Syracuse with the girls for their first Christmas, but we had to return halfway on our trip because of blizzard conditions. After that, we would have both families come to our house the weekend before Christmas to celebrate the holiday, then have the five of us on the day. As our daughters and son outgrew Santa, we still made Christmas a festive time.

Christmas of 2012 was the most devastating change as this was the first Christmas after Mike died. I felt dread as I walked through stores playing cheerful holiday songs and decorations everywhere, wishing I could escape the merriment I didn’t feel. We decorated and had gifts but went out to dinner instead of my cooking the usual Christmas Eve dinner. Although I carried the heaviness of grief through the holiday season, I made it through. For the next ten years, our traditions would continue to evolve as my kids were now adults making their way into the world.

This Christmas has brought new grief and adjustment after the death of my parents in 2022. When my husband died, I lost my partner, who had been by my side 24/7 since 1984. With my parents, I lost my roots, the people who knew me from birth. They had stories about me that I couldn’t remember. Mom and dad were there for me, especially after Mike died. They supported and strengthened me when the world felt too much and continued to be my cheerleader. Even when mom’s memory was failing, she would tell me repeatedly how proud she was of me and how I reinvented myself; what I would give to hear her say those words one more time!

Having lived through the Christmases since Mike died, I know that my grief for my parents will soften with time. This Christmas, however, I have to walk through the pain that comes from loving.