This Sad Season

I was listening to the “What’s Your Grief Podcast” episode on Holiday Musings on Family & Impermanence today, and I had an aha moment when Eleanor was sharing how her part 1 was when she was a kid and part 2 after her mom died. This resonates with me as I struggle with this holiday season.

My first part was the magical time when I was a child, and my parents made Christmas special. The next part was when I was married and raising my children. There were the first five years when it was just Mike and me. It was Mike’s favorite time of the year, and those Christmases were memorable. Then came the years when our kids came along, and we created our family traditions. We’d have our holiday dinner on Christmas Eve, followed by opening one present and a Christmas special. Christmas morning was again magical as I watched my children enjoy the day’s wonder.

Then came part three, the most painful one after Mike died. All the merriment was inescapable, from grocery stores to neighborhood walks to Christmas Hallmark movies. I wanted to escape the whole season, but I still had young adult children who needed something beautiful. The one thing that I did start doing again was making Christmas cookies, my first foray into baking since Mike’s death. Until that point, it was just Oreo cookies. That seemed to break the spell. Instead of making Christmas Eve dinner, we ate at PF Chang’s. Changing the tradition made it easier to get through that night.

Now, I’ve hit a new painful transition as this will be my first Christmas since my parents died. It’s hard to think that I was talking with them this time last year. With other changes in family relationships, I feel overwhelmed with emotions. I’ve lived alone for a while but feel deeply lonely this year. I love to bake my Christmas cookies, but I am not motivated to do so. Who am I even baking them for?

This holiday season has brought so many emotions to the surface, some fresh wounds and other wounds reopened. My house is minimally decorated, so I didn’t have to work hard but could still bring beauty to my space. I have invitations to spend time with friends on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. My goal is to be gentle with myself. Even if I don’t carry on the tradition of making cookies this year, it doesn’t mean I won’t bake them next year.

The impermanence of life never gets easier. It’s just learning to live with it a day at a time.