Letting Go

I belong to an online grief group with a meetup to get things done. One of the hard things to do when you’re grieving is to complete tasks. On Saturday, I tried to do three things at once: empty the dishwasher, take care of the clothes in the drier, and make a salad. I had to stop moving and say out loud, pick one thing and do it! I made the salad so I could satisfy my hunger. Mostly, I look at my to-do list and put it off for another day. This was my first experience with this group of picking something I wanted to accomplish, and it made a big difference.

For the last couple of years, I have scaled back on my Christmas decorating because it’s just me in the house, and it’s a lot of work. Instead, I buy a live rosemary bush in the shape of a tree as my main decoration. Sometimes I’ll put lights on it or a few ornaments, but otherwise, it’s pretty basic. This year, I wanted to give away the decorations I wasn’t using anymore. So I checked with my daughter to see if she wanted any. Because she lives across the country from me, I had to take photos to allow her to choose the ones she wanted. This meant unpacking all the ornaments. It was heart-wrenching as Christmases past ran through my mind of when Mike was still alive, and the kids were little.

There was a check-in halfway through the time. It was a safe place where I could share how painful the process was and have the support of people walking through their own grief. I don’t think I would have done it otherwise.

For the second part of the session, I found ornaments that were special to me and put them on the rosemary bush. The first was a wood heart that Mike and I purchased at the New York State Fair with our names on it, along with “first Christmas” and the year we were married. I have individual ornaments for our three kids with their names on them and a few others that bring back memories of good times. I boxed up the ornaments my daughter wanted, grateful that they would be a part of her Christmas tradition, and shipped them off. What’s left will be donated.

It was good to meet back up at the end of the session. I felt I’d both accomplished what I wanted to get done and had the group’s support to sort out my emotions. Grief involves constant transformations from life before death to this new life. It took me 10.5 years to go through the ornaments and let go of what I no longer needed. The love and memories of those Christmases will continue to live in my heart as I treasure the memory tree that works for me now.