Grief Triggers

My biggest trigger for grief is when I do everything right, but things go wrong. It seems to hit when I’m at my most vulnerable. It stirs up the sorrow that fills my heart and rips the stitches apart. I’m once again reminded that I only have control over what I put into the situation and not what the outcome is. There have been several things that have come up lately that bring these feelings to the forefront.

I developed vestibular neuritis on May 27, 2020, and have only been symptom-free for the last six months. I knew that there was a possibility of the symptoms returning if I developed covid. Even taking all the precautions of wearing a mask all the time and getting my vaccinations, I got sick on August 23, a month after my dad died. Grief compromised my immune system, making me more susceptible to getting sick. I felt awful the first week and didn’t work for two weeks. I was tired and foggy, but I attributed it to the grief. Then, on September 14, I fell in the garage and broke a bone in my right wrist, my dominant hand. I couldn’t figure out what made me fall until two weeks later. After seeing the neurologist, I learned that the dizziness and balance issues had returned due to covid.

The neurologist ordered an MRI to ensure I hadn’t had a stroke or a brain bleed. When I got home, I called the radiology department, gave them the information from the lab sheet, and scheduled an appointment for this past Wednesday. Over the weekend, I took care of preregistering for the appointment. Fortunately, on Monday, I spoke with my healthcare advocate. She told me that the MRI had been denied and sent back to the wrong doctor, a pulmonologist. I was furious! Once again, I had to go through the scheduling process, but this time I had to ensure they had the correct information. It finally got straightened out, and I have my advocate keeping an eye out on her end to make sure it gets approved.

Another thing that has happened over the last month is that I’ve misread events and gone to the wrong place. I only see part of the information but don’t realize it until I’ve arrived and no one is there. Once, I was going to a meetup, and I wasn’t even close to where it was located. I ended up driving an hour and a half round trip for nothing. Last night, I went to a film festival opening night affair. I got my theater tickets and then walked into the restaurant where it was last year. The place had only regular customers. I left, checked the website, and realized it was at a different restaurant. Luckily, I could walk to it and still enjoy the pre-film food.

This powerlessness over outcomes brings me back to when my husband died. I made the right decision at the time, but I could neither predict nor control the result of his death. This was a sudden death which is so painful because you can’t say everything that you would want to. When my parents died this year, I could talk with my mom, even though she wasn’t conscious. I could tell her how much I loved her and that she was a good mom. I was fortunate to spend time with my dad and knew I did everything possible to make him understand how much I loved him. Living in the fog of grief and the effects of covid have left me feeling vulnerable and sadder as the realities of life set in.

I’m learning to be gentler with myself when I make mistakes. It’s not my fault my brain isn’t working as I would like it to. Grief with unforeseen health issues is a marathon, not a sprint, no matter how much I want the pain to lessen.