Life Preservers

Grief is like being set adrift in a raging sea where I struggle to keep my head above water. I’m always looking for that life preserver to keep me from sinking. For me, that comes in books about grief by people who have lived that experience. Some are written by counselors, while others are memoirs. I get choked up whenever I open a new book or listen to an audiobook. Not because these books make me feel sad but because they make me feel seen. People who have not experienced intense grief may not understand how this validation can make such a big difference.

It’s great to talk to people, especially family, about the grief we are feeling. But, unfortunately, that’s not always possible. One of the secondary losses of death is that you can lose connections with those you love. Everyone grieves differently, and that can interfere with communication. This just increases the isolation and loneliness left in the wake of the death of a loved one.

One of the books that I found after Mike died is called Where the Hell is God? By Richard Leonard, SJ. He wrote it in response to his mom’s question after his sister had been in an accident that left her with quadriplegia. It’s a thin volume about the things people say are not helpful. In the book, he counters with reasons how these things can cause more harm than help. It was especially helpful as I came to terms with Mike’s death. Another book I read at that time was a memoir called Signs of Life by Natalie Taylor, which I’ve mentioned in other posts. It’s still one of my favorite books because it was so helpful at the time to hear from another widow and her experience.

I recently discovered the book IT’S OK THAT YOU’RE NOT OK by Megan Devine. I first listened to the audiobook, then bought the physical book because I needed to be able to see what she was writing. I also listen to her podcast and follow her on social media because she is a validator of grief in a culture that does not support grieving. I also took her course Writing Your Grief which helped me explore in-depth the grief I felt for Mike and my parents, who died this year.

The newest book I have is what’s your grief? by Eleanor Haley, MS, and Litsa Williams, MA LCSW-C. I discovered them on Instagram and through their podcast. I’ve also taken a couple of webinars that they’ve done. The book was just released this month, and it has been beneficial because they talk about all types of grief, not just those associated with death. The book is broken into lists, which makes it easier to digest. One of the grief issues is how hard it is to focus and retain things you read. As I started reading it the other night, I felt myself tearing up as I felt reassured about my journey.

Some great podcasts out there talk about grief and have been a resource for me to find good books to read. One is “Good Mourning” with Sally Douglas and Imogen Carn. These two women from Australia met at a grief seminar and hit it off. Both of them had lost their mothers to sudden death, and they draw on their experience and have guests who have written about grief. In addition, Anderson Cooper has a great new podcast, “all there is,” where he shares his experience with his father, brother, and mom’s death. He also has guests who have experienced the death of family members. On both of these podcasts, there is raw honesty about the journey we will all have to take someday. For those experiencing grief, it is helpful to recognize that grief is a normal part of living.

Whether you like to read or listen, there are so many good resources to help with grieving.