Processing Grief

I started taking a course on grief and photography by “What’s Your Grief.” One of the things that have been very hard to resume since my dad died was using my camera. Most pictures I have taken have been with my phone, which is okay, but it’s not the same. The two women who run the website “What’s Your Grief” are both counselors who have experienced grief first-hand, and that’s their focus of counseling. I started watching the webinar two days before I fell and broke my wrist, which meant putting the camera on the sideline again. However, in the first part of the webinar that I watched, the presenters talked about how people deal with grief in three ways: emotionally, creatively, and analytically. Looking at the three columns, I realized I processed grief using all three methods.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve always been very expressive emotionally, and that has not changed as I’ve grown older. When Mike died suddenly, I was so overwhelmed with every type of emotion: sadness, guilt, anger. It took a long time to come to terms with all those emotions. They never disappear entirely, but they just become part of the person I am now. In the emotional column in the webinar, the grieving person is more likely to seek outside help, such as counseling. After Mike’s death, not only did I look for counseling, but I also looked for grief support groups that would help me walk through the unimaginable. I needed people who had this shared experience. When my mom died in January, I once again sought out grief support through Hospice and other people who had dealt with the experience of having their parents die. At the same time, I was also trying to provide emotional support to my dad. I was fortunate to spend time with him twice this summer and be with him when he died. His death opened a new chasm of grief that was excruciatingly painful. The three most significant people in my life were now gone. When I returned to Phoenix, I immediately found a new counselor and other support to deal with this fresh grief.

Until watching the webinar, I never thought about how much I used creativity to deal with grief. I picked up photography again after Mike died to see the world in a new way. It made me more aware of the beauty surrounding me, and I needed that to deal with the shock and pain I was experiencing. It also connected me with Mike. I’m glad I resumed photography because I took some wonderful candid photos of mom and dad, which I treasure. I’ve had difficulty returning to photography since my dad’s death. However, I had just started trying to use my camera again to capture grief when I fell and broke my wrist. Another way that I’ve been expressing my emotions is through writing. It has been a great outlet to talk about what’s going on in my life and how loss affects it. I started this blog on July 24, 2021, which coincided with my dad’s death a year later. When I fell and broke my wrist, I was angry that one more thing had been taken away from me, even if it was only temporary. Fortunately, I can use the dictation on Microsoft Word to continue writing. The only thing is that it takes a lot longer, and then I must go back and edit mistakes made in the dictation with my left hand.

My analytical mind, which matches up with the math part of my brain, is always trying to make sense of the world. Although death is part of life, our hearts and brains have difficulty coming to terms with our humanity. In dealing with grief, I was looking for many sources to help me deal with the grief I was feeling. One of the sources that I turned to was audiobooks and physical books that dealt with grief written by people who had walked through that experience. I also listened to podcasts that were related to grief. One of the primary reasons that I did this was to find validation for where I was at in my journey. When your person dies, there is a deep sense of loneliness that no one can touch. When I hear other people share, I feel less alone and better able to cope with my feelings, even if it’s temporary.

The grief experienced after the death of loved ones is a lifelong journey. Being able to express my emotions and find support has made a difference on the long road I’m traveling.