I’m Thinking…

I bought “Writing Down the Bones Deck” cards by Natalie Goldberg so I would have writing prompts when needed. Writing is a therapeutic way to express my feelings, especially when they are overwhelming. So this is the first prompt.

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What I’m thinking of is that it’s a challenge to live in a right-handed world when you can’t use your right hand. My brain is always on overdrive as I figure out how to do things with my non-dominant hand. It took until Sunday to realize that it was contributing to the fatigue that I was feeling.

Right now, my brain is trying to process so much. It’s dealing with the grief of missing my parents and my husband. I’m sure there’s still some leftover fog from having Covid two weeks before hurting myself. Since I also tutor, I have to be able to think about how to explain things without having to write them down. That’s the most challenging because I just want to write. Sometimes, I will put the pencil between my right finger and thumb and use my left hand to guide the pencil. Still, it’s not the same.

I’m also thinking of the things I would love to be doing that I can’t do for now. I would love to be able to do photography, but I’m limited to using my cell phone camera. Even that is a challenge since I can only use my left hand and my right index finger or shout smile at the camera to make it go off. I’m grateful that I can at least dictate this document to continue writing, even if I must go back and edit with my left hand. It is so clunky trying to do things with my left hand. I always seem to be hitting the wrong letter or doing the wrong edit. I would love to have more energy, which was already low because grief is exhausting. Now I find myself going to bed much earlier than I would have before the fall because I’m so tired. So much for the nightlife!

I’m thinking of how fortunate I am that I’m able to enjoy my tutoring sessions with my students. Even if I can’t do as much as I would like to do, they bring so much joy to my life. They’re funny and compassionate. My one little third grader, when he saw my arm in the sling, and I told him that I wouldn’t be able to write, said he’d make sure that I don’t! When sitting with my students, it’s nice to recognize that I can still do what I love, even if limited.

I’m thinking of how grateful I am for the people who show up in my life. When I developed vestibular neuritis in 2020, there were so many things that I was not able to do. It taught me to ask for help which was not an easy thing for me to do. Now, it’s much easier for me to ask people when I need assistance, and they have been generous in helping me out. But, unfortunately, I can’t change the circumstances. That has happened this year, but focusing on the good brings me some consolation.