The Gift of Service

I’ve always had a close relationship with my dad.  He was the person that was always there for me.  When Mike died, he flew from Florida to Phoenix the same day, arriving at 11 pm.  He has been the rock that I could always count on for wise advice.  Now, it’s my turn to return what he did so selflessly.

I flew back to Syracuse on June 7 to be with my father and sister. My sister sold her house in 2021 and moved in with my parents as my mother’s health continued to decline and my dad was providing the daily care of my mom. Mary, a full-time teacher, would check on them before and after school, but living with them made for less driving. My mom died on January 23, 2022, after 62 years of marriage to my dad.

I didn’t go back for the funeral because I didn’t think I’d be able to fly due to a health condition I developed in May 2020. I hadn’t left Phoenix in two years, so I didn’t know how a change in altitude would affect me. I was always looking at flights to go home because I wanted to be with my parents, but I was afraid of having a severe episode of vertigo. So on June 4, my friend Jacki and I drove to Flagstaff to test how a change in altitude would affect me. Fortunately, I had no problems.

I woke up to texts the following day that Mary had to go by ambulance to the hospital because of a severe allergic reaction. Fortunately, our friend Sheila could stay with my dad while my sister was treated and released. Unfortunately, several hours after getting home, Mary was back at the ER with my dad, who had developed a UTI. I knew at that moment that I needed to go home. So I booked a flight from June 7 to the 24^th to help out my sister while she finished her school year and be there for my dad.

It was the first time I’d been into the home I grew up in without my mom’s physical presence. That grief didn’t hit me for two days, and then the grief was overwhelming. It was the first time I’d seen my dad in two years, and it was so good to see him. Photos of my mom surround his recliner, where he has slept since mom went into Hospice. For the first week and a half, I slept on the couch in case he needed any help. Although I was tired from jetlag and the change in time zones, I also found peace.

The greatest gift that I received on my trip was to be of service to my dad. He’d been my mom’s constant companion and caretaker for the last few years. My siblings provided excellent care and support to my parents. However, my dad was the one that my mom constantly wanted at her side. He was her touchstone. With nothing left in the tank and dealing with his grief, my dad has steadily declined and needs much more assistance.

Except for a few brief times out of the house, my time was spent with my dad, just being present. What a gift! I was glad I could support him if he needed help getting to the bathroom or changing his clothes. I only set the smoke detector off once when I was trying to make an appointment and fry a hot dog at the same time, my dad’s favorite meal. My dad has been a hard worker all his life, and it’s frustrating for him not to be able to do things for himself. So it was an opportunity and an honor to give back to my dad.

I flew back to Phoenix on June 24 and gave myself the rest of the month off so that I could recover from my trip. For the first two days, I was exhausted but emotionally numb. Then all the emotions hit like a tidal wave. I missed my dad with every fiber of my being. Watching him decline while I was in Syracuse reminded me that there is only one outcome, and I will never be ready for that. I’m grateful for the time I spent with him and the love we share. I call him every day, just like I did before, but now there is a more profound pain having spent time with him. I wish I lived closer so that I could drop by. But, unfortunately, wishes don’t always come true.