Ambiguous Loss

Do you ever wake up with a sadness you can’t quite name? It may be from a dream about a loved one who is now dead. Or it may have to do with something that is going on in your life now. When it happens to me, I usually can shake it off as I begin to busy myself with my day. 

I learned that it had a name: ambiguous loss. In an interview with the New York Times today, Dr. Pauline Boss, who coined this term in the early 1970s, talked about it. Dr. Boss’s website states, “Ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss in that there is no verification of death or no certainty that the person will return or return to the way they used to be.” There are two types: Physically missing with psychological presence and psychological absence with a physical presence. (https://www.ambiguousloss.com/about/faq/).  

I’ve dealt with the second one more than the first. I dealt with the absence that addiction can cause in a relationship. Mike was physically present but not emotionally connected at times, leaving me feeling lonely. I’d wanted to have the relationship we once had, but the drugs were more powerful. It’s hard not to take it personally while going through it. Unfortunately, the drugs won out, ending the life of the person I loved. I had closure in that I got to see him after his death, but it took a long time before I could let go of blaming myself. There is also the loss that comes from estrangement in relationships with people you love.

I’m now walking through the journey of ambiguous loss as I watch my mother drift away due to Alzheimer’s. It’s been a year and a half since I’ve seen my mom because I live across the country, though I call my parents every day. For a long time, she could communicate, and I never minded that she repeated herself. She was doing the best she could. Gradually, she began to have fewer conversations when I would call. It was enough to tell her I loved her when we spoke. 

When my mom’s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s was official, the box of sad things that I kept locked in my brain sprung open, and the reality sunk in. Fortunately, hospice is now part of the picture, and she’ll be able to stay in their home where she feels safe and comfortable.

Dr. Boss also talks about how the pandemic has created an ambiguous loss. From May to December 2020, my vestibular neuritis was so bad that physical separation from other people wasn’t too hard. As time passed and my symptoms improved, I began to feel the effects of the social isolation more acutely. Being a widow and living on my own, I missed the physical contact with friends and family. We’re meant to be connected to others. I felt unease and sadness that I couldn’t understand until I read Dr. Boss’s interview. She has a new book, The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change, exploring the loss, uncertainty, and grief caused by the pandemic.

I’m looking forward to reading the book because Dr. Boss gives strategies to live with the ambiguities of life. Visit her website cited in this blog, and listen to podcasts that she’s on for more helpful information. On Being with Krista Tippett is an excellent interview.