The Gift

Alzheimer’s is one of the cruelest diseases as it creates two losses: losing the person slowly while they are alive, followed by their physical death. It’s so painful watching a loved one go from a place of vitality to a shadow of who they were.

I’ve had to deal with this disease twice. My father-in-law developed it in 1990. People with this disease can become belligerent, but not him. It took away the painful memories and the chauvinism that he carried. It was replaced by a more gentle personality. It was easier for me to care for my father-in-law than my husband, an only child who was very close to his father because there was a degree of emotional separation. Mike’s parents moved to the town where we lived so that we could be of help. I eventually helped place my father-in-law in a nursing home when it became too much for my mother-in-law to care for him. I would visit him in the nursing home, but it became more challenging for me emotionally as I watched this intelligent man drift away. He succumbed to the disease in 2005.

My mom developed dementia that has turned into severe Alzheimer’s. At first, she would repeat things. She repeatedly told me on the phone, “I’m so proud of you! You reinvented yourself. You started your own business.” Who does not want to hear their mother say that over and over again!

I live 2500 miles away from my parents, and I’ve been unable to travel for medical reasons since May 2020. I call them every day. Over the past year, Mom has talked less on the phone, and it has been more challenging lately for her to say the words she wants. The one thing that she has not lost is her ability and love of singing. Whenever I call, I ask to talk to her if she’s awake, if nothing more than to hear her voice and tell her I love her.

Last night, on Christmas Eve, I talked with my brother about how my mom was doing. I felt so sad as I headed to a friend’s house for dinner. When I arrived home, I looked for my sister’s email address and found a beautiful surprise attached to an email from January 1, 2009.

My mom belonged to a writing group in the community where they lived in North Fort Myers. She wrote her life story, “Fran’s Journey,” from the time of her birth until she married my dad. I printed it last night and took it to bed to read. There, in those pages, I found my mother again. Her voice was strong and confident. I learned things about her that I didn’t know. It also helped me to understand her better. That was the best gift I could have received this Christmas.

I’d always encouraged my father-in-law, a writer, to write about his life, but he never did. I’m so glad that my mom did.