Unexpressed Love

Denial is a hard habit to break.

I’ve been struggling to get a good night’s sleep for the last two weeks. I wake up groggy, and my body hurts. Sometimes, naps take the edge off, while I’m tense other times. Writing this the day before Thanksgiving reminds me that my body keeps score of the grief that rears its head during the holidays.

Memories of holidays past and the changes in my family come flooding through. The sorrow clenches my chest, and it does not want to let go. I tried playing my sad song playlist, but it didn’t work like it usually does. I looked through photos from when it was just Mike and me and then with the kids. Nothing. Just a searing ache. 

From experience, I know that the holidays are never as bad as the days leading up to them are. And yet, the pain is still there. Eventually, the damn will break, and the tears will flow. They always do. For now, I just have to deal with the discomfort.

Andrew Garfield was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on November 22nd. He shared one of the most poignant and comforting quotes I’ve heard about grief:

“I love talking about it, by the way, so if I cry, it’s only a beautiful thing.  This is all the unexpressed love, the grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other.”

Andrew Garfield

Grief results from the love I have been blessed to have in my life. We are all fragile creatures put on this earth for a brief moment. I try to take the time to let people in my life know that I love them and how important they are to me. I don’t do it perfectly because I will always be human, but I try to do the best I can.