Life is a Both/And Proposition

My counselor is having me read Loving Bravely by Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D.  Each chapter has an assignment that helps you get to know yourself better, the patterns you have, and how to get the love you want. In one of the chapters, she talks about the concept of both/and.  I began to think about how that applies to my life.

I can be both sad that Mike is dead and still find joy in life.  In the beginning, I couldn’t imagine experiencing joy again.  The heartache was ever-present. Every time I would drive down the I-17, past the hotel where Mike died, I would have to avert my eyes because the images of that day would flash in my head. Even when I went out to do something nice, I carried a heaviness in my chest.  At that point, I couldn’t see how sadness and joy could live together.

With time, moments of joy would find their way into my heart. It might be time spent in a garden or something funny a child I was tutoring said. I learned that it wasn’t a betrayal of my love for Mike but the ability to continue loving life.

Now, I understand that grief and joy are companions of love.  To feel love for someone, you have to be willing to open your heart and be vulnerable.  That vulnerability leads to the grief that you feel when that person is no longer in your life. Although it was hell going through the initial grief and the pain that continues to happen when I least expect it, I’m grateful to have shared the love that I did with Mike.