Alone Versus Lonely

I never lived on my own until A, my youngest, moved to his own apartment.  I went from living with my family of origin to being married.  Learning to be on my own meant becoming comfortable in my own skin.

There were many times when I was living with others when I was really lonely.  I could be surrounded by people I loved and yet still feel empty.  There were times when Mike was not emotionally there for me because of his addiction.  In the years since he died, I’ve reminded myself when I’m feeling lonely that even if he was alive, there was no guarantee that I would not feel lonely or that we would still be together.

Adjusting to living on my own took some time.  It was weird to not have anyone in the house.  Other than the cats, the only noise was from the TV or music.  If there was a mess, it was because I made it, and I had to clean it up. 

Cooking was also an adjustment since I never had just cooked for one.  I wanted to have nutritious food, but I didn’t want to fuss. One thing that I started to do was to make meals in bulk.  This way, I made one big mess and then could portion out servings in the freezer.  It saved me from having to decide what to eat, and the food was already cooked. 

I became comfortable doing things on my own.  I would take a trip up north to Sedona, Prescott, or Flagstaff.  I would often stay overnight and explore the area.  As lovely as it would have been to have company, I couldn’t wait for someone else to make it happen.  I always had my camera with me as I explored these places.

I would also go to venues around town to see and photograph live music.  It got me out of the house, and I would lose myself in the music, releasing the loneliness for a while.  Over time, I began to meet musicians and other photographers whom I enjoyed seeing and talking to. 

In the last couple of years, I’ve finally become comfortable with myself as a person. I’m no longer seeking outside validation because I’ve learned to do it for myself.  I spent years discrediting what I did, thinking that anyone can do it if I can do it. I can often see the traits that I really love in myself and acknowledge them today. I’m also working on having compassion for myself, knowing that I’m doing the best that I can.  Self-compassion has increased my compassion for others.

There are still times that I feel lonely and would like to share my life with someone else. The difference now is that I’m okay on my own and open to the possibilities of life.