Being Present Instead of Tissues

Seeing someone crying is hard because you know they are in pain. It is uncomfortable as well because there is a feeling of helplessness. We want to ease the suffering of the person we love, but sometimes that is impossible. There are no words to ease the pain of death and the loss that accompanies it. However, being present for the grieving person is the best thing you can do.

When we see someone crying, our first inclination is to give them a tissue. I gained a different perspective on this only after being in the hospice support group.

The social worker who ran the group shared that what seems like an act of kindness can also be an unconscious way of telling a person to stop crying. Death and grief are very uncomfortable subjects to tackle. It’s hard to come to terms with our mortality: someday, we, too, won’t exist on this planet. What’s even scarier is that people we love will die as well. If we stop the tears from flowing, we can put grief in a nice neat box where we don’t have to see it. Grief, however, refuses to be contained.

Most people genuinely are trying to be kind, but I stopped offering tissues after thinking about what the social worker said. Instead, I try to be there for the grieving person and give them a tissue if they ask. To be present means sitting with the person, listening, and holding their hand if they need physical contact. There is no one right way to do this, and people will get it wrong sometimes. I made the same mistakes before Mike died because I didn’t understand until I started this journey. 

You will never go wrong by being present for a grieving person.