Decisions

I’m an intelligent woman capable of making good decisions. What I missed most when Mike died was being able to talk with him about those choices.

Mike was very supportive throughout our life together. He was very patient when we were dating, teaching me photography in the days of film cameras and how to drive a stick shift. Mike took time off from work when S. and B. were born, and we were equal partners in parenting and taking care of the house. I had postpartum depression after both births, and he made sure that I had a babysitter in order to take care of myself. He also encouraged me with my creative pursuits and starting my own tutoring business.

Suddenly, I had to make every decision, an overwhelming task, with the cloak of grief clouding my thinking. In the first days, there were many things I had to decide, from funeral arrangements to mundane daily choices. As time went on, I had to choose how much information I shared about the circumstances of Mike’s death and with whom, knowing how people can be judgemental. It was all exhausting.

I often talked things over with my dad because I trusted his opinion and knew he could help me navigate the business side of decisions. Fortunately, I had always handled the bills and the checkbook, so that was not an issue. The January before Mike’s death, I had to have surgery for the possible return of thyroid cancer. I was fine, but we started to do the bills and checkbook together. I wanted Mike to know what to do in case I died.

I was also fortunate to find a great financial advisor who helped me invest Mike’s life insurance proceeds, as that would have to last as long as possible. Leslie was knowledgeable and gentle, explaining what I needed to know. I could focus for about a half-hour if I was lucky before the veil of grief would block out what she was saying. With time, I could understand more and invest wisely based on her advice.

To this day, I seek the counsel of trusted family and friends when deciding. They act as a sounding board for me to process the information. Sometimes, I need to say it aloud to clarify my thoughts. Sharing with others is not the same as with Mike, but I’ve learned to adjust to the reality of my life.