Finding Support

I’d been attending Al-Anon meetings for three and a half years when Mike died, and I knew how helpful support groups were. Al-Anon’s focus was on people who had been affected by the disease of addiction and alcoholism.  I needed the support of people who were dealing with the death of their loved ones.

At Mike’s reception, I met one of his students whose husband had died two years before.  It was helpful talking with her because she understood what I was going through.  She shared her experience with me and told me that I had a choice: I could be bitter or walk through this with dignity and grace, something I think about to this day. 

As helpful as she was, I needed more support than one person could give.  I searched for grief support groups in my area.  Hospice had a program open to anyone dealing with the death of a loved one that met twice a month.  I went to a few of these meetings, which were helpful, but it was hard to think that the death of a pet could be the same as a spouse.

Fortunately, they had a closed group for people who had experienced the death of a spouse or partner.  It started two months after Mike’s death, and I wanted in.  The coordinator asked if I was sure since it was so soon.  I was.  Looking back, I was in so much pain I wanted someone to fix it.  I would be okay if I could only understand all these emotions.  Of course, that’s not how grief works.

The group met weekly for eight weeks, with two hospice social workers moderating. Everyone introduced who they were, the names of their loved ones, and when they had died.  Members would go around the table, sharing any special dates- anniversaries, birthdays- and what had gone on that week. Each week, they would have a specific topic related to grief.  It was helpful to know that grief resembled a spiral and not the five stages of death.

There was comfort in knowing that other people had the “if only” thoughts like I had.  If only I hadn’t gone to sleep, left the room, and gone to the hospital sooner were common refrains. I’d been carrying the weight of if only I hadn’t left Mike at the hotel.  Hearing people share these thoughts, I realized that we were all saying the same thing: I wish my loved one hadn’t died, and I could have prevented it if only.

I went to the closed group again in August with different people but the same moderators.  It was beneficial to go a second time because I heard more information I needed, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. 

Finding a support group made a difference in my walking through the tunnel of grief. I’m forever grateful that hospice had a support group when I needed it most.  It helped with the healing.