Continuing Bonds: Mom Lives in Me

Time is a strange construct, especially when it comes to the death of a loved one. It’s hard to believe that it has been four years since my mom died. Sometimes she comes to me in my dreams, but they always end up reminding me that she is dead. My brain is still trying to come to terms with the reality of her absence in my life. Lately, though, I’ve felt more connected to her, seeing how her spirit dwells in me. Near the end of her life, she would always say to me, “I’m so proud of you. You keep reinventing yourself when you could have just stopped,” referring to how I lived my life after my husband Mike died in 2012. Continuing bonds with my mom offer comfort as I move forward in life. Here are some of the places that I find her walking with me.

Get That Deal

My mom was the queen of getting the most for her money, something that was important when we were living on my dad’s income alone, and they had to feed five children. I couldn’t appreciate it at the time, especially when I wanted a treat at the store or when she tried to get us into amusement parks for the children’s price when we were teenagers. I’ll never forget going to Boldt Castle in the Thousand Islands and having to show the admissions person my wedge shoes while my mother tried to convince her I was just tall for my age.

The bargain hunter gene found its way into my system, and I’ve become the master at getting what I need for the best price. Going to the grocery store is the closest I’ll come to being on a reality TV show, as I strategically shop for the lowest prices on the foods I eat. I feel like someone should be dropping confetti and handing me an award as I hit total at self-checkout. As I look at my savings, I want to raise a toast to my mom and say, “We did it!” Learning to be wise with my money has made a huge difference in how I manage my finances, though I do have to remember that it’s okay to treat myself.

Being Open to New Experiences

Mom’s journey in life had many interesting turns. She moved from her hometown to Syracuse, where she worked as an X-ray technician and had many roommates who would become lifelong friends. She married my dad at 27, which was older than most women at the time. After staying home with us until the youngest was in elementary school, she went on to earn her LPN, work as a private duty nurse, renew her X-ray license, and work at the county nursing home until she retired.

Retirement opened another chapter of her life as my parents split the year between Syracuse in the summer and North Fort Myers in the winter. Mom’s natural curiosity and love of having a good time led her to take advantage of all there was to offer at their Florida home. Her calendar soon filled with new community activities, and she continued to grow her circle of friends.

When my parents were up north, they spent time with their family and enjoyed their grandkids. They became road warriors as they traveled north to see my kids and to Massachusetts to see the rest of their grandkids. Mom was a great playmate with all the kids, with a wonderful imagination. Her favorite thing was playing cards, something she had been doing since she was a little girl. She showed no mercy, even with her grandkids.

Like my mom, my life has taken me down so many roads that I never dreamed of. After moving to Arizona, I became a substitute teacher in 2001. The following year, I began tutoring students from my home, something I was open to doing because I didn’t feel limited by the expectations of living in a small town. I could be who I wanted to be. I’m still passionate about my work and glad I took a risk by starting my own business.

After Mike’s death, I resumed photography, which kept me connected to him because he had taught me about it when we were dating. This not only got me out of the house and gave me respite from my grief but also exposed me to exploring new places on my own and capturing the beauty of nature. Like my mom, I would strike up conversations with people, always interested in what they had to share. I also joined a photography meetup group, where I met other photographers and refined my portrait and street photography.

Music, which is how I met Mike, and photography would soon become intertwined as I went to see my son play and took photos of him. I met other young women photographers who were generous with their time and taught me how to capture bands in low light. Soon, I was taking pictures of other bands and enjoying the intimacy of hearing live music in small clubs.

Photography also brought me into the world of independent film when I volunteered to photograph the Phoenix Film Festival. My world grew as I met volunteers and the creative people who made the films. I loved hearing about the filmmaking process during panels on different aspects of making a movie, as well as during the question-and-answer sessions after a film.

Finding Joy in Performing

Mom loved performing from a young age and participated in high school clubs. The retirement community where they lived in Florida offered Mom many opportunities to shine through its entertainment offerings. She always liked to sing and joined the choral group, which performed twice a year. She also acted in skits with her friends in a community competition. One year, their skit won the top prize for all of the communities owned by Pine Lakes management nationwide. Mom also found joy performing as a clown, entertaining disadvantaged children from the area who came to the community.

I would never have guessed that in 2024 I would join online improv groups and find the absolute delight of performing. Being part of a supportive, fun community has helped me grow in confidence as an improviser. I’m so glad that I took that gamble, because I can’t imagine my life without it. Recently, I joined the community center near where I live and started taking exercise dance classes. I’ve always loved dancing, and doing this with a diverse group of people is the best. When I’m in these classes, I feel a deep connection with my mom.

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I will always miss my mom. Though I was fortunate to have her for sixty years, it was never going to be long enough. Writing this piece has helped me not only see all the ways we are still connected. It has also brought me comfort and pleasure to see how our lives will be forever entwined.